:: Seven Days of Summer ::

Seven Days of Summer

a messed-up Lord of the Rings adventure

1. SUNDAY

6:49

When Elrond suggested last week that we all took a little vacation, I had no idea the guy was serious about it. Sure, the stress of recent events (insert a LOOONG list of filming various movie scenes, interviews, TV shows, autographs, crazy fan girls and so on here) is beginning to show off – for instance, Samwise Gamgee lost 14 pounds and Aragorn gained 7 – and these are just two examples of what stress can do to a man (let’s not mention Boromir singing in the shower or Theoden talking to himself here). All in all, we were all taken by surprise when Elrond – The Dude With Magical Eyebrows, as we secretly call him – told us to start packing two days ago, because we were going on a seven-days trip to the Great Sea and back. And by "we", I mean the whole cast – orcs, goblins and Gollum included, the crew, half the sets and the afferent cortege of fans and paparazzi.

Since nobody else I know seems to be interested in writing, I – Elebreth, proud participant at the Council of The Dude With M—I mean Elrond (you may remember me – the blonde guy that was sitting next to Legolas?) – have decided to keep a detailed chronicle of all the events in this trip. And if my sixth sense tells me right (just so it happens that it’s usually right in 99.9% of the cases), then this is going to be a long and eventful trip…

7:55

Everyone was supposedly meeting here (where here means a random location Elrond, Gandalf and Saruman picked on the freeway) at seven thirty. Since I’m the Chronicle Writer (and PROUD of it, heheee…), I decided to come earlier, so, at seven straight, I, my luggage and Legolas were already at the rendezvous point.

We didn’t have to wait for long. The first ones to show up – well, actually, second ones, after myself and Legolas, or… first ones of the actual group, if we don’t count ourselves, or… something like that! – were, surprisingly enough… Nope. I’m ready to bet you five dollars you won’t guess it. First ones that shower up, at five past seven, were none other than Gandalf, Saruman and Elrond, in a spiffy red Ford, with Linkin Park booming in the speakers. To be honest, I lost my jaw when I saw them – and Legolas nearly lost his, too, and that means a LOT when it comes to him.

So, back to the trio… ever saw Saruman in a Hawaii outfit? If not, then I envy you. As shocked as I was when I saw the Ford, when Saruman – wearing Bermuda pants and a blue shirt with flowers on it – came out of it, I had to grab Legolas’ arm for support, or else I would’ve surely dropped. And it only got worse when Gandalf – wearing a pair of baggy jeans and a Nirvana T-shirt – and Elrond – in a black leather outfit, sunglasses included – also came out of the Ford. Boy, was I shocked. This time, Legolas really lost his jaw.

A few minutes later, Boromir and Faramir, the two Dudes from Gondor, arrived in a black Mercedes, and at the same time came two vans full of orcs, goblins, and, of course, the Cave Troll. I must say, he looks a lot bigger, fatter and uglier on TV. Really, he does!

Seeing as people were gathering, Gandalf and Saruman decided to improvise a DJ cabin in their Ford, with Elrond as the main DJ and the two as his assistants. Soon enough, everyone was dancing like mad.

Next came Eowyn, Theoden, Theodred and, surprisingly enough, Grima Wormtongue. I noticed how Grima seems to spend a lot of time around Eowyn – I better keep an eye on these two. Who knows? Maybe there’s a chance for some summer lovin’ here! J

And speaking of summer lovin’, the entrance Galadriel and her (presumably) husband made everyone – not just me and Legolas – loose our jaws. Grr… @#$% Galadriel can’t go anywhere without making a show of it… grrrrr…. rrr… rrr… right. I’m calm.

Another notable pair was Arwen and Aragorn. They arrived in a beat-up Porsche, with luggage crammed in every inch available. My guess is that Arwen packed up half of Rivendell! J Another wild guess is that more than a third of her luggage consists of make-up. Tee hee hee.

After a few vans packed with more orcs, Uruk-Hai, a few dwarves (Gimli included), elves (go elves!), humans from various kingdoms and Gollum’s stunt double, came the most awaited party of the morning – the five and only HOBBITS! (Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin and Bilbo) On a closer look, I saw Gollum somewhere among the luggage. Go figure…

Finally, waaay after seven thirty, the Nazgul – Ring Wraiths and the ugliest creatures ever to star in a movie – arrived at last. On foot. One of them told me their horses ran away… Geez. That’s weird !

Our (many) tour busses are supposed to arrive at eight. It’s three past eight. They’re late already! Wow, what a nice start of the trip. Like I said, this vacation is gonna be long and eventful…

8:10

Mwahaha! I’m eavesdropping! Gandalf and Saruman are now picking dedications from the audience and then Elrond broadcasts them! Ssh… here comes an orc with a five dollars bill! Lessee what’s the scoop! J

Random Orc: Me want to give ded… decid… dedict…

Gandalf: Dedication. That’ll be five dollars.

Random Orc: Okie dokie.

Gandalf: Okay, let’s hear it!

Random Orc: From me, to… err… me! Go me!!

(My note: Either this is a very dumb orc, or what they say about the orcs having the lowest IQ in all of Middle Earth is true…)

Gandalf: (I can’t see it, but I can swear he made a face!) Okay, what’s your name?

Random Orc: (Try as I might, I just can’t understand what he just said!)

By the way, did I tell you where I am? No? Well, I’m right under their Ford! Mwahahahahahahaaa!!!… wait… somebody just stepped on my hand! Ow…

8:15

Damnit, where ARE those tour busses?

‘Newayz, since this is (presumably) going to be an objective chronicle (Legolas read over my shoulder and he’s all like, "Yeah, sure!"), I’ll try to focus on the main cast as much as I can and leave my personal buds somewhere in the background. So, Gandalf, Saruman and Elrond are still playing DJs, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Frodo, Bilbo and a dozen other hobbits are eating (naturally), Legolas is playing tag with Haldir, Arwen and some of my elf buddies (weird), Theoden is sleeping (naturally), the Cave Troll and some goblins are playing a game of… err, "Toss-it-up" (or something), and—did I miss anyone? Oh yeah, Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir and A-Guy-I’ve-Never-Seen-Before are playing poker. Wait… no. They’re playing strip poker. Imagine that.

8:45

FINALLY, our tour busses are here! I managed to find a seat next to Legolas, in the same TB as the Main Dudes, minus Boromir, who accidentally got stuck in a TB full of orcs. Poor guy. (Let’s remember Boromir has one of the worst cases of orc-a-phobia in Gondor and probably Middle Earth, too. Anyway, the cars that brought most of us here (me, Legolas and the Nazgul came by foot) are magical and will drive themselves home. Figures…

…And half a minute ago, in the triumphant sounds of Eminem’s "Til I Collapse", we finally set off! Next stop – the Great Sea!

(Legolas says we may stop a lot sooner for "physical needs". Come to think of it, he’s right.)

11:22

Boromir’s TB (okay, it’s not actually Boromir’s, just the one he’s in… whatever) had a flat tire, so we had to stop for more than half an hour, until the orcs fixed it. (Again I wonder about the average orc IQ… they took the old tire as a souvenir, although there was hardly enough place for all the luggage anyway…) On other news, the driver’s been playing Eminem for nearly three hours now. I think I’ll crack…

15:43

Despite my promises to keep a DETAILED chronicle of events, I did whatever I did and fell asleep. By the looks of things, I missed some pretty interesting stuff…

Legolas says Arwen got travel-sick and had to pay Gandalf 15 dollars for three paper bags. She used all three of them (ouch). Also, Merry and Pippin had their own problems (related to curves, overdrive and eating too many mushrooms). According to Legolas, they didn’t have enough money to buy paper bags, and… you can figure the rest. Gandalf and Saruman barely managed to keep Aragorn from slaying the two.

I have no idea why Elrond is covered up in Mountain Dew and all sticky. Legolas either doesn’t know or won’t tell me. Nobody wants to sit next to him any more – I think he attracted all the flies in Middle Earth. There are two things flies are attracted to, by the way. Sweetness is one of them. I… won’t mention the other.

Gimli fell asleep in between Grima and Eowyn (how did these three get together?!). Grima looks like he’d gladly kill Gimli. I bet fifty that Eowyn would give anything to be next to Aragorn right now, but Aragorn sits next to Arwen… tee hee.

You know, seen from a certain angle, Grima looks kinda like Severus Snape from the Harry Potter movie. No… wait… that’s an insult to all Snapes alive.

Hello! There’s an interesting thing! Bilbo is telling the story of how he found the ring! I know the others probably heard it, like, a kajillion times before, but I didn’t! Here I come!!

Bilbo: …and there I was, alone, in the dark, gloomy cave, feeling my way through – when all of a sudden, my hand found something strange. It was—

Aragorn: (very, very annoyed) Wait, don’t tell us. A golden ring.

Bilbo: (ignores him) A ring. And I wondered, what could a ring possibly do here? So I—

Aragorn: (whispers) Put it on.

Bilbo: (keeps ignoring him) Put it on. Then, suddenly, I heard footsteps approaching. They came closer… and closer… And they were—

Aragorn: Orcs.

Bilbo: You know, since you seem to know the story so well, why don’t you tell it?

Aragorn: FINE! Bilbo puts the ring on, becomes invisible, orcs don’t see him, pass by, Bilbo runs into Gollum, they play charades, Bilbo wins, gets to keep the ring, goes away, yadda yadda, the end.

Sam: You know, the way you tell it, I never have the time to fall asleep.

Aragorn: Is that a good thing?

Sam: Umm… I guess so, yeah.

Gollum: But sleeps is good, precious!

Sam: Okay then, it’s a bad thing.

Aragorn: Hmph.

Man… listening to these guys could become a habit! J