The Fellowship of the Fanfic Writers!

by Odeena Sabnach

Chapter 7: Two kids and a palantir

Just as Galadriel stood up and opened her mouth, there was a loud crash!, and a tiny, white ball came through the window, narrowly missing Elrond's head, and smashed into my mum's favorite vase on the other side of the room. This in turn was followed by a loud 'Whoops!', and an even louder 'Sorry!'.

I jumped to my feet. "Merry, Pippin, get in here right now!" I shouted the last words, and all the elves in the room covered their ears.

"Geez, girl, calm down!" Haldir said, putting his hands up in mock surrender. "Do you plan to deafen us?"

I glared at him. "I'm not in the mood", I warned him, just as Merry and Pippin came into the room, both looking very abashed. I immediately turned my anger on them. "Can you explain this?" I demanded, pointing to the broken window and then to the vase.

"We're--" Merry began.

"--Sorry", Pippin finished. Then he glared at Merry. "It's his fault."

"No it isn't", Merry replied, sounding utterly outraged. "You threw the ball!"

"Yes, and you hit it!"

"Anyway, the window can be fixed", Merry said sheepishly. "And--" he pointed to the vase "--we'll--err--get you a new one, OK?"

I narrowed my eyes and crossed my arms. "Really."

"Yeah..." Merry was becoming increasingly nervous. "It's--not that expensive, is it?"

"No, it's just an authentic Ming", I said casually. "Priceless."

"Oh."

"I can fix that."

Before I could say anything, Galadriel flicked her hand towards the broken vase. It seemed to magically pull itself together (duh!), and then it floated back to where it had been standing before. Then, Galadriel did the same thing on the window. "Can I pretty please read my story now?" she asked impatiently.

"Story?" Merry and Pippin chorused together.

"Yeah, we're writing fanfics", Sam supplied from the other end of the room.

"Can we hear it, too?"

Elrond stood up. "As the leader of the Fellowship of the Fanfiction Writers, I welcome you to us. You are also free to take a clipboard and a pen and write your own stories."

"Great!" Merry and Pippin got two clipboards from the pile next to the couch and came to sit next to Frodo and Sam.

"And now, dear Galadriel, you may read your story", Elrond said, sitting back down.

"Who died and put him in charge?" Pippin asked Legolas quietly.

The elf shrugged. "No idea. But if I knew who it was, I'd kill him all over again for it."

I barely suppressed a giggle. Fortunately, the same moment Galadriel began to speak. "My story", she said, "is a short humor bit about Sauron, Saruman and two certain humans. And before you say anything", she added, turning to Boromir, "yes, I can write humor."

Boromir made an inviting gesture. "Well, let's hear it then!"

Galadriel smiled at him nicely, and then nodded. "Okay. Here goes."

Two kids and a palantir

The White Wizard, Saruman, sat down at his desk and wrote something on a piece of parchment. Despite the late hour, the wizard did not seem tired at all. On the contrary, he scribbled frantically, occasionally muttering unintelligible words to himself as he bid the end of his quill thoughtfully. Finally, he set his quill aside and wiped the sweat off his forehead. Then, he leaned back in his chair and began to read in a whisper:

"Dear mum,

Sorry I haven't written in such a long time, but I've been really, really busy. You see, I serve a very powerful Dark Lord called Sauron, who will eventually take over the world. Of course, I plan to turn on him after that and become ruler of Middle Earth, but don't tell that to anyone, OK?

I got all of your letters, starting with the one you sent me fifteen years ago. Here are the answers to your questions:

1) No, I didn't forget you, I've just been, like I said, really, really busy. I'm sorry, I promise I'll make it up to you from now on.

2) Yes, I've been promoted to the rank of 'White Wizard' seven years ago. Thanks for the congratulations.

3) Yes, I have my own army now. It consists of orcs mainly, although there are several thousand humans serving me, too. I know you hate orcs, but they're pretty cool once you get used to them.

4) No, I don't sleep with Mr. Snuffles any more. Come on, I'm a grown wizard! I'm over sleeping with stuffed animals! Really, I am!

I must go now. It's getting late, and I must hold a speech to my armies in the morning. For a strange reason, they all like to hear my voice... Then again, I like to hear my own voice, too. Especially when I thing. Hmm... I never thought about singing to them... I'll have to try that soon, to see what happens. I'll write you more in my next letter, OK?

Your loving son,

Saruman."

Saruman giggled, and then rolled the parchment, tied it and summoned a great white owl. He tied the parchment to its leg and it spread its wings and took off. He watched it until it flew out of sight, and then he sighed. "I deserve some rest", he muttered to himself.

Just then, the palantir - the stone he was using to commune with his Dark Lord - came to life, and the voice of Sauron himself emerged from it.

"Yes, my Lord", Saruman answered hurriedly.

The incoherent muttering soon turned to words. "I have a question to ask you, Saruman. Since you are so old and wise, you alone hold the answer to it."

"Speak it, my Lord."

"Where do baby orcs come from?"

Saruman's jaw dropped, but he fought to regain his composure. "Well, my Lord... I... breed my Uruk-Hai in cocoons. Is that what you wanted to know?"

"No, I mean where do *real* baby orcs come from?"

Saruman sighed. Clearly, his master was in one of those awkward moods, when he would ask strange questions and then expect a fully logical answer to them. "All right... I shall explain it to you, although I am not so certain myself... You see, when a daddy orc meets a mummy orc--"

Later...

"--And that is how it all goes", Saruman finished. "Does that clear it up?"

"Yes", Sauron purred. "Thank you, Saruman. But now I have another question: where do baby cave trolls come from...?"

Meanwhile, in Gondor...

"Ask him where baby elves come from!" Faramir said anxiously, as Saruman finished his explanation on where baby cave trolls came from.

"Hold on, I think I'm going to sneeze with all this smoke", Boromir replied quietly.

"Yeah, well, you made quite an impression of the Eye", Faramir said admiringly. "And that voice... how do you do it?"

Boromir shrugged with fake modesty. He then gazed straight into the palantir. "Now answer to this: where do baby elves come from?"

"Do you think dad will get angry that we stole his palantir?" Faramir asked worriedly.

Boromir shook his head. "Neah..."

Then, they both returned to listening to Sauron's sleepy explanations.

~ The end ~

Everyone broke into cheers. Faramir and Boromir both stood up and bowed before Galadriel.

"You are, truly, the Elven Queen of Humor Stories", Boromir said in awe. "That was--"

"--incredible", Faramir cut in. "Absolutely incredible! I am well and truly amazed!"

"That was the best one yet!" Aragorn said, which earned him glares from both Arwen and Eowyn. He didn't seem to notice or care.

"...And now", Boromir said, after all the cheers died down, "it's my turn, right?"

Elrond nodded.

"You know, I finished, too", Frodo said.

"Me too", Elrohir added.

"Wait your turn", Boromir said. "Look, I'll just make a few more adjustments, and then you'll hear the greatest humor story ever to be written - by a man", he finished with a grin.