The Fellowship of the Fanfic Writers!
by Odeena Sabnach
Chapter 12: The short memory of Rosie Gamgee
"Just out of curiosity, what did happen to Haldir, after all?" Arwen enquired after several minutes of silence, interrupted only by occasional thumps and bumps coming from upstairs.
"Oh, nothing much", I said casually, at the same time shrugging my shoulders. "He just messed up Wumpa's room, that's all."
At the mentioning of Wumpa's name, all the elves present shuddered, and Frodo half hid behind Sam. I couldn't suppress an evil smirk. "So, elf", I asked, turning to Legolas, who was scribbling frantically - or rather, as I noticed cutting what he had written before wit ha thick black line - "how would you like a romance fic with her?"
Much to my surprise, Legolas just shrugged and said, "Whatever you say."
"What's the matter, Legolas?" I asked in a whisper, moving closer to him.
"Nothing much", he answered with a sigh. "It's just that - well - I simply can't write."
"Oh, come on! Everyone can write! Even Gollum!"
"Preciouss!" hissed Gollum, with no connection whatsoever to the subject.
"Yeah, everyone but me."
"Get a grip."
Fortunately, before this talk could get any more depressing, Pippin jerked his hand up and yelled, "Finished!"
"OW!" Arwen, who was sitting next to him, complained, covering her ultra-sensitive elven ears.
"Sorry", muttered Pippin, looking utterly abashed. "So, can I read my story now?" he asked, bouncing up and down.
"Just so you know, I finished, too", Faramir muttered sulkily.
"Aw, don't worry, bro', you'll get to read your story in the end", Boromir said mockinly, patting Faramir's head protectively.
"Shut up", both Eowyn and Faramir said at the same time.
"You know, I don't give a worn-off orc boot about him", Boromir said, pointing to Faramir, which earned him a dirty look. "But for you, lovely lady..." He made a courteous bow. "...Anything."
"Enough!" Elrond said with as much dignity as he could muster, his eyebrows coming together to form a thick line across his forehead. "Peregrin Took, you may begin."
"Corny!" me, Boromir and Gimli said at the same time. Then, we all burst into giggles, which were cut off by an offended look from Elrond, whose eyebrows seemed to get thicker than usual. Resignedly, we all sat back and listened as Pippin began to read.
The short memory of Rosie Gamgee
- by yours truely, Peregrin J. Took the Third -
>> Monday...
Rosie: Sammy!
Sam: ...Yes?
Rosie: Are you busy?
Sam: *who is shaving himself, although hobbits hardly ever grow beards* Umm, yes, why?
Rosie: Can I ask you something?
Sam: Well, ask me!
Rosie: Okay... You know, the garden's a bit dull with all those white flowers. So I say, let's liven things up a little! For instance, you can plant some red tulips along the fence, some lillies around the house and some white and pink roses next to that blueberry bush. Could you do that? Please...?
Sam: Okay.
>> Tuesday...
Rosie: Eh... Sammy?
Sam: *who is reading his paper and smoking his pipe* Mmmmmm? *translation: Yes, dear?*
Rosie: You did a wonderful job on the garden, honey, but... you see... this wasn't quite what I asked you to do. I told you to plant pink tulips along the fence, two rows of white lillies around the house and a rose bush next to the blueberry bush.
Sam: Mmmmmm! *translation: Uh... you didn't say that...*
Rosie: Yes I did! Don't you remember?
Sam: Mmm. *tranlsation: Nope.* Mmmm mmm mmmmm. *Translation: I did what you told me to do, and what you said was--*
Rosie: No, I'm pretty sure that's not what I told you to do. Anyway... could you pretty please do it now?
Sam: *sigh* Mmmmm. *translation: Yes dear.*
>> Wednesday...
Rosie: Sam...?
Sam: *who is watching the finals of the Middle-Earth football championship* ...yes...?
Rosie: I... really don't know how to tell you this... you see... I love what you've done with the garden, I really do... but it's not what I told you to do!
Sam: ...sorry, I'll fix it later...
Rosie: But I'm having some friends over! I really want to impress them with your gardening skills! Please...?
Sam: ...I'm watching the game...!
Rosie: *takes the remote and turns off the TV* No you're not.
Sam: *deep sigh* All right... how do you want it?
Rosie: Well, let's see now: yellow tulips along the fence, white lillies and roses around the house, and a few daisies around the blueberry bush... how's that?
Sam: That's not what you told me yesterday.
Rosie: ...it's not? *scratches forehead* Anyway, hurry up! My friends will be here soon!
Sam: *sigh* Yes dear.
>> Thursday...
Rosie: Samwise?
Sam: *who is cooking - or rather, trying to cook - a cake after a special recipe from Gondor* Yes?
Rosie: The garden looks wonderful!
Sam: Thanks.
Rosie: But there's still one thing wrong.
Sam: *groans* What?
Rosie: The lillies and roses. I wanted them to be pink, not white.
Sam: Hold on. You said you wanted white roses and lillies, that I remember perfectly.
Rosie: Um, no I didn't... did I?
Sam: *emphatically* You did.
Rosie: No I didn't. Could you change them... please?
Sam: *bangs his head on the table* Mmmmmfff... oww... *translation: Yes dear... ow...*
>> Friday...
Rosie: Sam!
Sam: *shouting from the shower* What?
Rosie: Get over here!
Sam: *mutters irreproducible stuff as he drapes himself in a towel and obeys* Yes, dear, what is it now?
Rosie: What's with all these pink flowers around the house?
Sam: *rolls his eyes* They're there because you told me to plant pink flowers around the house, and so I did.
Rosie: I never told you that!
Sam: Yes you did!
Rosie: Really? When?
Sam: Yesterday! You told me yesterday!
Rosie: Umm... maybe... but I hate pink... it's so girlish! Could you please plant red roses instead?
Sam: *through gritted teeth* Yes dear.
>> Saturday...
Rosie: Sammy...?
Sam: *runs and hides in the nearest closet*
Rosie: ...where is that hobbit? Anyway, in case he is hiding somewhere... *shouting* I really love the garden, honey! It's perfect!
Sam: *comes out of the closet* Really?
Rosie: Yes! *hugs Sam*
Sam: *sigh* Thank you, dear...
>> Sunday...
Rosie: Sam... Sam, darling, wake up! Sam!
Sam: mmmMMMmmm... *translation: I don't wanna wake up... go away...*
Rosie: Something terrible happened!
Sam: ...what?
Rosie: Bill Took's pony escaped last night and messed-up the entire garden... so you'll have to make it look exactly the same way it was before this afternoon... I think we had pink lillies along the fence, red tulips around the house and a rose bush next to the blueberries... or was that the lillies? Hmm...
Sam: That's it. *packs his bags and leaves for Gondor, where he lives happily ever after until the end of his unnaturally long days*
~ The End ~
"Genius!" Boromir shouted, clapping his hands at the same time.
"I hate you", Sam muttered, hiding his face in his hands.
"Eh... what's with you?" Boromir asked, arching an eyebrow.
"He swore he'd never make that incident public... ever..."
"Hold on", I said. "You mean to tell me that this thing actually happened?"
"Yes", Sam groaned miserably.
At this, I couldn't help it and I burst out laughing, and the rest of the Fellowship did the same. Sam groaned again, but eventually he began to laugh, too.
"Poor guy", Legolas whispered in my ear. "You see, that's why I never got married. Imagine spending an eternity with such a wife..."
By the time, I was practically rolling on the floor with laughter, together with the rest of the guys. Finally, when things settled down, Faramir stood up. "My fellow writers", he started with emphasis, "I have a very special announcement to make."
"Well, make it already!" Aragorn cut in anxiously.
"Okay... I'm going to get a snack." And with that, Faramir exited, leaving the stunned Aragorn jaw-hanging and the rest of us barely able to restrain our giggles and chuckles.
"I like that guy", Eowyn said eventually. "He's got style."
Elrohir immediately made a face, but regained his composure just as quick. As for me, I exchanged a glare with Legolas, and then we both burst out laughing. This was turning interesting...