Not Another LoK ‘Fic!

Raziel: So, tell me this. If Vorador was *beheaded* in the original Blood Omen, then how come he’s alive and well in Blood Omen II?

Vorador: You shouldn’t even know this…

Umah: Essentially? Plot twist.

Kain: You mean, ‘plot convenience’. And, by the way, you’re dead.

Umah: No, I was only faking back then.

Kain: Oh, you were? That was really good! You had me fooled!

Random Sarafan Dead Soldier: Yeah, me too!

Umah: Yeah, but unlike you, I’m allowed to come back from the dead, because I’m a main character. So… die.

(Umah kills RSDS)

RSDS: Darn it… (dies)

Janos Audron: Bouffet! (digs in)

Umah: …

Kain: …

Vorador: …

Raziel: Your table manners suck.

Janos: (mouth full) So sue me.

Raziel: I will.

Janos: Oh, I am so scared.

Raziel: You should be!

Sarafan Lord: Blue Guys Fight!!!

Everyone: (turns and stares at SL)

Sarafan Lord: …what?

Everyone: (stare on)

Sarafan Lord: *nervously* What? Why is everyone looking at me like that?

Kain: *slowly* Because… you… killed me.

Sarafan Lord: Well, I tried to, yes, but you’ll notice you’re still alove.

Kain: In a matter of speaking…

Umah: With no thanks to you, bub!

Sarafan Lord: Oh, yeah. By the way, you’re fired.

Kain: Say… what?

Sarafan Lord: You were right all along, Kain. Umah was working for me.

Kain: As a spy?

Sarafan Lord: No, as my cook.

Kain: Oh.

Vorador: Is that true?

Umah: Well… yeah.

Vorador: But I thought you were my cook! You – betrayed me!

Sarafan Lord: Well, you can have her back, for all I care. Because of her, I had indigestion for weeks!

Umah: Teach you to mess with Vampires. You see, I was in fact working for the Cabal all along. Well, actually, just for myself, since nobody in the Cabal knew about this… except for me, so I suppose, if you take me as a representative of the Cabal…

Kain: This is getting confusing.

Raziel: I’ll say.

Vorador: (is still in shock)

Umah: Get over it! (slaps Vorador)

Vorador: I… trusted you!

Raziel: That guy is a living cliché.

Sarafan Lord: True, true…

Kain: By the way, this is supposed to be a Blood Omen II fanfic, right?

Sarafan Lord: Yes, why?

Kain: Then what is Raziel doing in it?

Raziel: Well, I’m here because the authoress likes me. Besides, I am a well-written, original, gorgeous and handsome character – which you are not…

Kain: Die! (charges Raziel)

Raziel: No, you die! (charges Kain)

Sarafan Lord: This is getting interesting.

Umah: (Shares popcorn around)

(After a few days…)

Kain: You are… (pant) better… (pant pant) than I… (pant) thought…

Raziel: Yeah… you too…

Kain: Let’s call it a draw this time. (collapses from exhaustion)

Raziel: Okay. (collapses over Kain).

Sarafan Lord: (wakes up) What? Is it over yet? Who died?

Umah: (wakes up as well) Nobody…

Vorador: (finally recovers from his shock) Huh? What happened? And why are Kain and Raziel lying on the floor on top of each other?

Umah: You wouldn’t want to know…

Janos: (who has finally finished drinking all RSDS’s blood) I’m hungry!

~ The End ~

Authoress’ Note: This is my first attempt at writing a LoK fanfic. Please review!