LoK: Lifestyle
by Odeena Sabnach
Rahab: It's... quiet in there.
Melchiah: Too quiet.
Rahab: Do you suppose dad and Umah are all right?
Zephon: I don't care about dad... but my heart tells me she's all right... *sighs*
Rahab: *teasingly* Uh-oh, Zephon's got a crush!
Zephon: No I don't!
Rahab: Yes you do! You've got 'I love Umah' written all over you!
Zephon: Oh shut up!
Rahab: *chuckles* No way. It's payback time.
Umah: *from the living room* Dad, get in here! And get the kids, too!
Raziel: *glowers* We are not kids! We are teenagers!
Dumah: Yeah! We are... what Raziel says we are!
Raziel: *quietly* Oh yeah? Well, in that case let me be more specific. We're teenagers, and Dumah is an idiot. How about that? *grins*
Vorador: Come on, you lot, let's go. *opens the door to the living room* Good Heavens, what in my Great Great Uncle J.J. Thomas Thompson the Third happened here?
// And instantly Vorador looses his jaw, along with everybody else. The living room is practically devastated; the only things left intact are a couch, the TV, the Playstation 2 and an old portrait of Moebius hanging on the wall. Kain and Umah are sitting on the couch, and, surprisingly enough, holding hands.
Raziel: *quietly* I thought nothing in this world could surprise me any more, but that beats everything I've ever seen.
Umah: All right, kids, sit down.
Raziel: For the last time, we are not-- *Umah gives him a Look* --I mean, never mind.
Rahab: Excuse me, but - where exactly are we supposed to sit down?
Kain: Wherever strikes your fancy, as long as--
Umah: I was talking.
Kain: *mortified* Yes dear.
Umah: Thank you. Now listen to me carefully, all of you. Your father and I have an announcement to make. I'm warning you, this could be a wee bit of a shock. Kain and I decided to give our relationship another try.
Everyone minus Kain: What?!
Vorador: I think I'll have a heart attack...
Umah: Dear...
Kain: Umm, yeah. We have also instated a set of new rules. From now on, you will address Umah as 'mother'. You will love her and respect her as you love and respect me. Got it?
Turel: Well, I still can't get over the initial shock. Kain and Umah are back together... Here's an ill omen.
Kain: What was that?
Turel: *gulps* Umm, I was just saying that I think it's great that you and Umah are back together and everything...
Umah: That's very sweet of you, Dumah.
Turel: Yeah, thanks, but I'm not Dumah, I'm Turel.
Umah: Oh. Sorry. Anyway, Kain and I think it's best that we stay in separate rooms for now, so two of you will have to move out. And--*Raziel waves his hand frantically*--all right, Zephon, you and your roomie can--
Raziel: I'm not Zephon, I'm Raziel.
Zephon: *Anime heart-shaped eyes* (She said my name... man, she just said my name...)
Umah: Whoops.
Kain: That's a good idea. So, Z--I mean, Raziel, you will move in with Rahab and Zephon, and Dumah will move in with Turel and Melchiah. And before either of you argue about it, you should no that I'm the father and you will do as I say, period. Now, you two go upstairs and move your stuff. The rest of you, stay here and clean up this mess. Umah and I are going out to have dinner, so you'll stay with Vorador for the evening.
Vorador: Yay!
Raziel: Wow, I'm rid of Dumah. That's generous of you, dad. By the way, are you going to tell us why you're all covered up in blood and gore now?
Kain: Well, err... yeah, sure. It's like this. I went to the job interview for that security agency, but they said they don't employ anyone over the age of 50. So I lost my temper a bit, and... umm... well, I guess I lethally injured a few mortals... Then, I went to this striptease bar, and I asked for a drink. The bartender said they don't serve drinks to teenagers and green guys, so I tore him apart. The good news is, I got a job after that.
Melchiah: *hopefully* As a stripper?
Kain: No, as a bartender.
Melchiah: Oh.
Kain: Anyway, we'll be going now. You kids behave yourselves, OK?
Everyone: *with an obvious lack of enthusiasm* Oookay...
Kain: OK, bye!
Turel: No Kain means unlimited Playstation access! Yay!
Umah: *shouting from the door* Remember, dad, the kids must be in bed by eight! And don't let them anywhere near the Playstation!
Turel: *slaps his forehead* Aww, man!
// Bedtime...
Zephon: I can't sleep. It's way too early to sleep. It's just--*looks at his watch*--nine PM! I can't go to sleep that early!
Rahab: Well, I can't sleep either. In my case however, the main reason for my insomnia is that you're ranting on and on and on like an idiot.
Zephon: *groans* I need a dictionary again... *thinks* Wait, are you calling me an idiot?
Rahab: Actually, I said you rant like an idiot. But if you consider yourself an idiot--
Zephon: Grr, that's IT! I've had it with you!
Rahab: *icily* I've had it with you, too. Unfortunately though, there's nothing neither you nor I can do about it, since dad has been sort of... inflexible as of late.
Zephon: Oh. Dang. *sulks*
Raziel: *quietly* I'll never get a moment's peace with these two... Man, I miss Dumah already...
// Meanwhile...
Dumah: Oh, come on, Melchiah! You aren't going to stay in that closet the whole night, are you? Come on out!
Melchiah: *muffled* Not until you put that snake away from me!
Dumah: But Cassandra won't hurt you! She just wants to know you better!
Cassandra: Hiss-s-s!
Dumah: See?
Melchiah: Well, I don't want to know her at all! I'll stay here all night if I have to!
Dumah: You can't stay in there, you'll run out of air!
Melchiah: Vampires don't need to breathe!
Turel: *desperately trying to fall asleep* Dear Lord in Heavens, if you can hear my prayer, please, please make these two shut up! I'll be good! I'll go to church! Please... pretty please..?
// And finally
// Kain and Umah have just finished dinner at the most expensive restaurant in the city. A waiter brings them the bill.
Kain: *Looks at the bill* Oh shit.
Umah: What is it, dear?
Kain: Well, to sum up, I can't afford to pay for all this. Come to think of it, I can't afford to pay for anything. I'm flat out of money!
Umah: Oh, that's no problem, dear. *teleports both of them away*
// However...
Kain: Umm... Umah, why are we hanging upside-down in a swamp tree?
Umah: Darn it, I messed up the teleporting spell again... Hang on, I'll fix it in a jiffy.
Kain: *quietly* Like I have a choice...
~ To be continued ~