LoK: Lifestyle
by Odeena Sabnach
// Continuing from last time...
// After about half an hour of the usual 'My-wings-are-prettier' brawl...
Janos: ...Raziel?
Raziel: Yes?
Janos: Are you tired?
Raziel: I'm bored outta my skull.
Janos: Me too. Let's drop it for now, OK?
Raziel: For now. But I still say that my wings are--
// Kain arrives
Janos: Hi Kain.
Raziel: Hi dad. Back so soon?
Kain: Yes, well, I *cough* got fired.
Raziel: *to himself* Big surprise...
Kain: What was that?
Raziel: *innocent whistle*
Kain: Anyway, not to worry, I got another job. From now on, I'm a stripper.
Raziel: *chokes*
Janos: *glares* Good for you.
Kain: Thanks. So, what brings you here?
Janos: Well, I was just telling Raziel how I got thrown out of my hotel room and I'll move in with you guys--
Kain: What?!
Raziel: Dad, don't freak. Keep cool. Janos is gonna stay with us. It's no biggie. Relax. Take a deep breath--
Kain: *gives him a deadly glare* Shut up.
Janos: Oh, come on, Kain, have a heart! I have no place to go!
Raziel: *rhetorically* You know, this whole 'have a heart' thing reminds me that Janos has no heart at all. Strange that he should be the one to say that...
Kain: Thrown out of your hotel room, eh? That seems to happen a lot lately...
Janos: *shrug*
Raziel: Come on, dad...
Janos: Pretty please with sugar, cream and a pink strawberry on top...?
Kain: *rolls eyes* Okay, just don't give me those puppy dog eyes, Janos! Bloody hell, act your age!
Janos: Umm... there might be a little problem there... You see, I actually can't remember my age.
Kain: Yeesh...
Raziel: *rhetorically* Well, he must be really, really old, if you know what I mean... oh wait a minute, that's why they call him an ancient. Duh...
// Umah shows up
Umah: Hi! What are you boys up to?
Raziel: *sarcastically* We're dancing the rumba.
Umah: Really? Can I join?
Raziel: *slaps his forehead*
Umah: What...?
Kain: Err... dear... I have something to tell you... *takes a deep breath* Janos is going to stay with us because he got thrown out of his hotel room, don't freak.
Umah: Freak? Why would I? On the contrary, I think that's wonderful! Actually, I was going to invite Janos to stay with us myself! The presence of an elder is a good thing for the kids!
Raziel: *largely ignored* ...teenagers...
Umah: Let's gather everyone and tell them the great news!
Kain: *sigh* Okay... hang on, I'll do the round-up.
// Fifteen minutes later, in the living room...
Rahab: So, Kain shows up with the facial expression of a pitbull that's been stepped on its tail and tells us to come downstairs because he has some big news to announce. Anyone mind telling me what's going on?
Zephon: *shrug* No idea...
Dumah: Blah blah blah. Blah? Blah blah.
Turel: *glares* What the bloody hell was that?
Zephon: More Zorgish?
Dumah: *proudly* No, I'm through with Zorgish.
Zephon: Thank goodness...
Dumah: But five minutes ago I was abducted and taken to the planet Blah, which is located in another dimension, where no man or vampire has ever gone before! And they taught me to speak Blabbish!
Turel: *rolls eyes* Dumah, you're an idiot.
Cassandra: Hisss!
Melchiah: *eagerly* What did she say, bro'?
Dumah: Blah blah blah!
Melchiah: ...oh.
// After a while...
Kain: Listen up everyone. Umah and I have an announcement to make.
Turel: *hopefully* You're getting married?
Raziel: Don't even joke about that.
Zephon: *eagerly* You're breaking up?
Melchiah: Mom's gonna have a baby?
Rahab: Vampires don't have babies you dummy.
Dumah: Blah blah?
Cassandra: Hisss-s-s!
Kain: *glares* No, nothing of the sort. Janos Audron is going to stay with us.
All 'kids': Yay!
Rahab: Wait a minute. If Umah's our mother, Vorador's our grandfather and Janos is Vorador's father, does that make him our grand-grandfather?
Janos: *chuckles* Come on, I'm not that old.
Melchiah: Do we have to call you Mr. Audron?
Janos: Nope, Janos is fine.
Kain: ...okay, listen up. This means we'll have to make some new living arrangements around here. I'll move in with Umah, Janos will move into my old room, Vorador will take one of your dormitories, and you six--
All lieutenants: NO WAY!
Kain: *crosses his arms* I'm your father, I decide. You'll all stay together. Now go and move your stuff. You have an hour.
Raziel: But dad--
Umah: But darling--
Kain: But nothing. And that's final.
Raziel: *quietly* Tyrant...
// And so the six 'kids' very reluctantly move their things into one room. Things are getting pretty crowded in there... Finally, they finish their work. Turel, Melchiah, Zephon and Dumah head downstairs; the only two vampires left in the room are Raziel, who is sulking on his bed, and Rahab, who is reading.
Rahab: So, tell me this. If Kain and Umah are living together, does that mean they're going steady?
Raziel: I... guess so... *to himself* I shudder to think of the implications... *loudly* By the way, did I tell you the news?
Rahab: No, what news?
Raziel: Dad was fired.
Rahab: Big surprise.
Raziel: I know, that's what I said, too. Anyway, he's got a new job. He's a stripper.
Rahab: *jaw drops*
Raziel: ...yep, saw that coming, too. *to himself* Maybe I have the Sight...
// Downstairs...
Janos: *pokes his head in the living room* Hey, got any coffee in here?
Turel: *who is playing Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance* No, mum says it's bad for our health.
Janos: That's crap. So there's none?
Turel: Nope.
Janos: Well in that case, I'll make some. You want a cup?
Turel: Sure.
Zephon: *who is reading Playboy behind the couch* Me too.
Janos: Okay.
// Using his Mighty Ancient Magic (or MAM for short), Janos then makes three cups of coffee appear out of thin air.
Zephon & Turel: Yay!
Janos: *sits on the couch* So what are you playing, anyway?
Turel: Mortal Kombat. All Legacy of Kain games are forbidden.
Janos: All games you say...?
Turel: Yep.
Janos: Hmm... You know, that 'Mortal Kombat' game of yours gives me a very evil idea... *chuckles darkly*
// Insert a big and very evil grin here. To be continued... And now it's time for me to drink my coffee, too! :)