Author’s Note: Here’s my second attempt at writing LoK humor. The idea of this story is that Kain & co.
move out of Sanctuary and into a new place. The problem is, Kain is alone,
jobless, and has six vampire teens to look after…
Author’s Note II: Suggestions and critiques are welcome.
And if you want to be in the story, just tell me when & where you want it
to happen, and I’ll make it possible! After all, I am the Almighty Author, so
fear me! Bwahahaha!!
Author’s Note III: I also have a ‘review policy’. If I
don’t get any reviews for a chapter, I won’t upload the next one. I like to
know people are reading my story… XD
Author’s Note IV: This fanfic is
dedicated to Ratface, who is the absolute BEST LoK humor fanfiction author I
know!
Author’s Note V: Maybe I should’ve made all these into a
big Author’s Note instead of making five smaller ones… Oh well. On to the fic!
LoK: Lifestyle
by Odeena Sabnach
~ Chapter
1: Start over… ~
// Fade in…
// We
see a pretty villa, with a pool, a garden, two balconies on either sides and a
garage. A red van, painted with hippy symbols all over, pulls up in front of
the house; immediately, the van’s door opens, and a very agitated Rahab jumps
out. Unfortunately, he didn’t notice the banana peel on the pavement, and
therefore…
Rahab: What the-- *trip* Aaaah! *crash*
// Naturally,
the other occupants of the van crack up
Kain: *gets out of the van and
helps Rahab up* If I hadn’t told you a thousand times to watch where you’re
going.
Rahab: Sorry, dad.
Kain: ‘Sides, why the hell did
you rush out like that?
Rahab: Because I couldn’t stand
sitting next to Zephon a second longer!
Zephon: *pokes his car out of
the van window* What’d I do?
Rahab: You were reading…
inappropriate material for our age.
Zephon: Oh, you mean this?
*holds up an issue of ‘Playboy’
Rahab: Ahh!
*covers his eyes*
Kain: *sigh* Okay, everybody get out.
// Random mutters and sighs of
relief come from inside the van, as everyone gets out. However, this isn’t as
easy as it sounds, since eight vampire lords aren’t that easy to stick in such
a crammed space.
Janos: We’re here! Finally!
*stretches* Man, I can’t feel my wings!
Raziel: Tell me about it.
Janos: *glare* My wings are prettier.
Raziel: …not.
Janos: Yes they are.
Raziel: No they’re not.
Janos: Are too.
Raziel: Are not.
Turel: *rolls eyes* Here they
go again…
Zephon: You said it.
Melchiah: *shakily* About time… I was starting to get--*throws up*
Zephon & Turel: *glare*
Zephon: Now that is just
*sick*.
Turel: For once, I agree.
Melchiah: *groans* Anyone have a tissue?
// Silence
Melchiah: …pretty please with
sugar and cherries on top?
// Nobody answers, as all
vampire lords, except for Janos and Raziel, who are still fighting about whose
wings are prettier, look up at their new home. For one, Kain is none too
pleased with what he finds…
Kain: Dumah, Raziel, get over
here. I know I asked you two to find us a ‘suitable’ residence, but…
Dumah: *interrupts him* So, do you like it, dad?
Kain: *annoyed* Yes, I do. But
I’m afraid we have a ‘little’ problem.
Raziel: *stops glaring at Janos
enough to ask a question* What problem?
Kain: Well, remember that we
moved out of the Sanctuary of the Clans because we couldn’t afford to pay the
rent?
Raziel: Yeah…?
Kain: *sweetly* Good. Now tell
me – did it ever occur to you that this place could be just as expensive, if
not even more?
Raziel: Yeah, but—
Kain: ‘But’ what?
Raziel: Well, we thought that
it would be fit for us. I mean, we are, after all, dark gods, you said it
yourself, and—
Kain: Dark *penniless* gods,
Raziel.
Raziel: Yeah, but--
Dumah: Not to worry, father – I
convinced the estate agent to let us stay here for free.
Raziel: He means, *bullied* him
into it…
Kain: You did?
Dumah: *proudly* I did!
Kain: Good work, son! I’m proud
of you!
Raziel: *rhetorically* Here’s
something I never get, no matter how hard I try to please him, and this
mindless sack of muscles gets it every day. My life is *not* fair.
Kain: What was that?
Raziel: Uh… nothing…?
Kain: *glare* Right. *loudly*
All right everyone – time to unload
// And
after merrily moving the luggage out of the trunk and onto the lawn…
Kain: Thanks for the ride,
Janos.
Janos: No problem.
Kain: We’ll miss you.
Janos: Yeah.
Kain: …so bye-bye then.
Janos: Uh-huh.
Kain: *growls* What?
Janos: *holds out his hand
imperatively*
Kain: Oh, yeah… Here’s a
twenty. And don’t give me those puppy-dog eyes, because this is all you get.
Now get lost.
Janos: Thanks. *under his breath* Grinch.
// So, Janos gets into his van
and drives off, and the others prepare for a little ‘ceremony’..,
Kain: Dumah, would you do the
honors?
Dumah: *confused* Uh… what?
Rahab: *telepathically* It’s plain simple. Just take the key and unlock the door.
Dumah: *beams* Oooh! *thinks* Wait a minute. What key?
Kain: *confused* Whaddya mean what key? The key that opens the door!
Dumah: What door?
Kain: *groans
slaps his forehead*
Raziel: Can I do it?
Kain: *ignoring him* The door of the villa, Dumah. And if you ask me what villa,
I’ll use your head to break the door.
Raziel: *quietly* Yes!
Kain: I heard that.
Raziel: *innocently* What?
Dumah: That sounds painful.
*thinks hard* I know! I left the key in the lock!
Kain: You *what*?
Raziel: *tries very hard not to
crack up*
// Kain rushes to the door,
and, much to his relief, a silver key with his symbol on it is in the lock. He
tries to turn it, but it won’t move. Surprise, surprise…
Kain: WTF? *tries harder*
Raziel: *chuckling* Dad, you’re
turning it the wrong way.
Kain: Oh. *turns the key the
other way, and, miraculously, the door opens…
Rahab: *under his breath* Finally…
Zephon: *mockingly* Come now,
brother, you seem so anxious to retreat to some dark corner and read! Are we
really that unimportant to you?
Rahab: *glare* Of course not.
Zephon: All right then… *slyly*
Could you help me sort my Playboy collection later
today?
Rahab: *makes a face* Sod off.
Turel & Melchiah: *crack
up*
Kain: Okay, that’s enough. Everybody inside, now.
Dumah: *innocently* Don’t we take our luggage, too?
Kain: *glares* And, take your stuff with you.
Raziel: *sighs and shakes his
head*
// And
so, our seven little (or not so little) vampires go inside, and each new
discovery is even better than the last…
Turel: COOL! TV!
Dumah: And a Playstation!
Melchiah: Lookie,
they’ve got Blood Omen! And Soul Reaver!
Turel: Trippy!
Raziel: If anyone says another word about Soul Reaver…
Dumah, Turel & Melchiah:
*snicker*
Rahab: …I’ll just go find a
nice, quiet place where I can read in peace.
Zephon: …like I said you would.
Rahab: Get lost.
Zephon: *snicker*
// Soon…
Kain: *clears his throat* Okay…
Listen up!
// Everyone
stops whatever they were doing (things which include fighting for the remote,
chasing, being chased, death threats and trying to get away from everyone)
Kain: I’ve done a quick
inspection of the place. It seems we only have four bedrooms, one downstairs
and three upstairs. Now this means…
Rahab: *whining* Nnnooo…
Kain: …that you’ll have to
share your rooms.
Zephon: *quickly* I wanna stay with Rahab.
Rahab: Hell no!
Kain:
Sure. Raziel, you’re with Dumah…
Raziel: …shit…
Kain: …and Melchiah, you’re
with Turel.
Turel: Umm, Kain…? Can we
pretty please change roomies? I don’t like Melchiah.
Melchiah: *sticks his tongue
out at his older brother and pretends to be hurt*
Raziel: *quietly* I don’t like
Dumah either, but naturally I can’t say that out loud, because I’ll be largely
ignored…
Kain: Absolutely not. You’re all
brothers. I’ll take no refuses on that.
// All the others whimper and
protest. And Kain is far from done…
Kain: Also, I want you to share
your belongings--
// More whimpers and protests.
Melchiah: Does that include my
toothbrush…?
Zephon:
Turel: Does that mean I’ll get
to play Blood Omen and Soul Reaver?
Raziel: *groans*
Kain: Umm, well… we’ll have to
see about all that. Next, you’ll all be taking turns at doing chores--
Everyone:
Kain: I am your father, I
decide. You will do chores and that’s final.
Everyone: *various ‘aww’s and ‘ooh’s*
Kain: Finally, I want everyone
in bed by
// This
time, it looks like the six vampires will start a riot.
Zephon:
Dumah: Yeah! Wrestling is on
tonight!
Kain: *menacingly* …do I have
to repeat myself?
Everyone: *gulp* No…
Kain: Good. Now, go unpack your
stuff.
Everyone but Raziel: *merrily
leave upstairs to unpack*
Raziel: Wait… where are you
going?
Kain: Well, I have to feed you,
don’t I? I’ll go see if there’s a blood donating centre nearby…
~ To be
continued ~