Author's note: Okay, I know... crazy 'fic... At first I wanted to do something about Christmas, but... well, *other* things got in the way. Anything else I was supposed to say?... oh yeah, HASBRO owns Beast Wars, I own the Director, I have no idea who owns Britney Spears (always thought it was Justin or whatever) or Santa Claus, and... oh yeah, I *still* hate Bob Skir for doing such a horrible job with the Beast Machines storyline. And that's that. Enjoy, and Merry Christmas to you all!
A Beast Wars Christmas
by Odeena Sabnach
*Maximal base/The Ark*
Optimus: *walks in the control room, or what's supposed to be the control room* *cheerful* Do you know what day it is tomorrow?
Everyone: *blank stares*
Optimus: *grinning* It's Christmas!
Black Arachnia: ...right. So?
Optimus: We have to clean this place up, bake ginger cookies and leave them as a gift for Santa!
Dinobot: *rolls eyes*
Rattrap: Oh man. Ya're gonna tell me ya believein Santa?
Optimus: Of course! Everybody knows Santa exists!
Cheetor: Yeah! And, he will leave gifts for everyone who's been good in their socks or under the--*suddenly his optics widen* We don't have a Christmas tree!
Optimus: *desperate* Oh, NO! *quickly* Silverbolt, call everyone in from patrol! Rattrap, establish a communication channel with the Predacon base!
Rattrap: What? Please tell me dat no-brain o' yours is still under warranty!
Optimus: *hyper* Just do it! Cheetor, I want to have a word with you...
Rattrap: *sigh* That's it. Optimus lost it.
Dinobot: I second that. *pauses, glaring at Rattrap* What are you doing?
Rattrap: *grins widely* Weeeel, ain't it obvious. I'm oppenin' a--
Dinobot: I can see that! But why?
Rattrap: Are ya kiddin' me? Look at Optimus!
*Both glare towards where Optimus and Cheetor are talking, one more hyper than the other*
Rattrap: I haven't had a good laugh in ages! I can't wait to see what dat stupid ape is gonna do dis time. It's gonna be FUN!
Dinobot: *thinks for a moment, then grins* Agreed, vermin. Open the channel.
Rattrap: Okay. *pauses* Hey, since when do ya give me orders, Chopperface?
Dinobot: *rolls eyes* Whatever...
*Predacon base*
Megatron: Yeees... Yeeeees... Yeeeesss...
Terrosaur: Why do you keep saying that?
Megatron: Err... I just like the way it sounds. *pauses, glaring at Terrosaur* Aren't you supposed to be dead?
Terrosaur: Umm... yeah, kinda, but the author wanted me to be alive, so I'm alive.
Megatron: *puzzled* What author?
Terrosaur: *allarmed* I shouldn't have said that. *loudly* Never mind that, I've come to challenge you for the leadership of the Pred--*someone kicks him from behind, sending him flying across the room* HEY!
Director: That was Dinobot's line, you moron!
Terrosaur: *glares at the prompter* Oh... yeah. Anyway... *slowly gets up* Ack! My back...
Megatron: *rolls eyes* Inferno! Please kill Terrosaur again!
*No response*
Megatron: Inferno! Where is that blasted--
Inferno: *faintly heard from the hall* My Queeeeeen!
Megatron: What the--*starts up and races outside, just as a screen lits up*
Optimus: *cheerfully* Merry Christ--*sees Terrosaur* Oh hi. Is Megatron there?
Terrosaur: Umm... no, but there's no point searching for him. I am the new Predacon leader! Muahahahahaha!!!
Optimus: O...kay... Anyways, I just called to wish you all a Merry Christmas on behalf of all Maximals.
Dinobot: *in the background* Not!
Rattrap: *also in the background* Death to all Preds!
Optimus: *glares evilly behind him, then turns back to the monitor* ...And, we hope Santa gives you all what you want. Bye! *transmission ends*
Terrosaur: *shakes head* Now thatwas weird. *shrugh* Oh well--*Megatron comes rushing in, chased by a psychotic vampire-like dudette; Inferno is limping behind the two, waving his flamethrower and screaming something about killing the 'enemy of the Colony'*
Megatron: Terrosaur, DO SOMETHING!
Terrosaur: Why should I--OH MY GOD, IT'S BRITNEY SPEARS! DIE!! DIE DIE DIE!!! *shoots wildly at her, but misses and hits Waspinator, who was playing a game of Solitaire on the main computer*
Waspinator: Why everyone hatezzz Wazzzpinator? *goes into stasis lock*
Vampire/Britney: Must... have... blood... it... good... for... diet...
Tarantulas: *rushes in* Megatron! Two Maximals detected in grid Wampawoweeshallow!
Megatron: *tilts his head to one side* ...What?
*Meanwhile Britney had given up chasing Megatron, and turned to the pieces of Waspinator instead, eagerly sucking his mech. fluid*
Vampire/Britney: Eww! That's not blood! That's OIL!
Tarantulas: Tehahe, mech. fluid, to be more precise!
Vampire/Britney: You suck. Spock, take me out of here!
*Suddenly Britney disappears in a Star Trek telleport-like manner*
Terrosaur: I'm glad she's gone.
Tarantulas: Now about those Maximals--
Skorpinok: *runs in and hugs Megatron* I love you!!!
Megatron: *desperately tries to shove Skorpinok off* Ack! Get off get off get OFF! *manages to sweep Skorpinok off himself and into the lava* Tarantulas, take Rampage and Quickstrike and finish the Maximals!
Tarantulas: It's, tehahe, done.
Megatron: *points his tail-gun at Terrosaur* As for you... I'm sorry, but I'll have to kill you, yeeesss.
Terrosaur: Oh no.
*Megatron fires at Terrosaur, but half-way, the blast turns into a bunch of flowers that hits Terrosaur*
Megatron: ...what??
Terrosaur: *thoughtful* Hmm... *suddenly beams* I know! The author has a crush on me!
*Suddenly, Terrosaur turns into Christina Aguilliera*
Megatron: Oh, how positively HORRIBLE!
Terrosaur: *catches a glimpse of his refflection in a computer screen* What? Oh noooooo!!!
TM2 Dinobot: *walks in* Mega--*sees Terrosaur/Christina Aguillera* OH MY! I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN!! *hugs him/her*
Terrosaur: Ack! Get AWAY! *desperate* You're crushing my spleine!
Megatron: ...oookay, I... umm... Dinobot... you... can... let go now, yesss.
TM2 Dtnobot: Aww... *lets Terrosaur go*
Terrosaur: *panting* Okay! No more! I'll be good! I promisse! Just turn me back! Please!
*Terrosaur turns back*
Terrosaur: Okay, I'm going to my quarters now... *runs off*
Megatron: *sigh* Dinobot, throw Waspinator into a CR tank and get Skorpinok out of the lava.
TM2 Dinobot: *nods and leaves*
Megatron: *takes out his rubber ducky and glares at it helplessly* I've snapped, yesss... *squeezes it*
Ducky: Squeak!
*Meanwhile, at the Maximal base...*
*The Maximals are having some sort of council*
Optimus: *beams* And so, we need... A CHRISTMAS TREE!
Cheetor: *cheers*
Black Arachnia: *whacks him* Shuttup!
Cheetor: *cough* Right.
Optimus: Tigatron, you and I will head for grid Wampawoweeshallow and get a nice tree.
Rattrap: *whispers* Grid what?
Tigatron: But... but that's Predacon ground!
Optimus: Nevermind then, Air Razor, you come with me.
Air Razor: *who speaks at a cell-phone* What? *in the phone* Okay dear, take care, we'll talk later. *to Optimus* What?
Tigatron: *jealous* Who were you talking to?
Air Razor: Aw, it's nothing, just to my grandmother's son's daughter's fiancey.
Silverbolt: Doesn't that mean yourfiancey?
Air Razor: *glares at him evilly* Um... no, no... it means... umm... the milkman.
Tigatron: ...okay...
Optimus: Okay then, let's get going. Oh... the rest of you decorate the base. You'll find the Christmas stuff in the weapons hold, under Rhinox's spear ammo box.
Cheetor: Will do, Big-'Bot!
*Optimus and Air Razor leave*
Optimus: *faint, from outside* And stay away from the energon beer hidden behind Dinobot's swords!
Rattrap: *yells back* Okay! *to the others* Okay, I say we screw the Christmas stuff an' take da energon beer stashed behind Chopperface's swords.
Everyone except Cheetor: Yay! *cheers*
Cheetor: But...
Rattrap: Can it will ya' *shoots Cheetor, who goes into stasis lock* Let's PARTY!!!
*Grid Wampawo--whatever Tarantulas said*
Air Razor: *points at a pine tree* This one?
Optimus: Nah, too big.
Air Razor: *points at another one* How 'bout this one?
Optimus: Too small.
Air Razor: *sigh* Then how about that one?
Optimus: Too fuzzy!
Rampage: *jumps in between them* I will KILL YOU ALL! MUAHAHAHAHA!
Optimus: *gulp* Mommy...?
Air Razor: C'mon, Rampage, don't be such a grouch! It's Christmas! *takes out a small present wrapped in pink paper* Here, Merry Christmas.
Rampage: *puzzled* For me? *Air Razor nods* Nobody's ever--*sob*--given me anything--*sniffsniff*--Thank you! *starts crying*
Quickstrike: *appears from the forest, panting* Die, Maximal scu--huh?
Air Razor: *hands him another gift* Merry Christmas!
Quickstrike: What in tarnation--*opens the present* A 'Shaolin Cowboy' DVD! Wowee, Ah... dunno... thanks ma'am! *salutes*
Tarantulas: *finally arrives to the scene* What are you standing there for? Kill them!
Rampage: *meanwhile he had recovered enough to grown menacincgly*
Tarantulas: *gulp*
Air Razor: Aw, c'mon... Here! *hands Tarantulas yet another gift*
Tarantulas: *eyes her suspiciously* What?
Air Razor: For you. Merry Christmas!
Tarantulas: *opens the gift and takes out a leather costume and a whip* What the--
Air Razor: *blushes* Oh, not that one! *takes the stuff back abruptly* I mean, this one!
Tarantulas: *taking out a lemming* Oh this is soooo cute! Tehahe, thanks!
Air Razor: Rampage, aren't you going to open yours?
Rampage: *opens his gift* My spark!!! But how did you--
Air Razor: Don't worry, I gave Dinobot another one.
Tarantulas: Where did you, tehehehe, get it from?
Air Razor: Well, there was this weird dudette...
TM2 Dinobot: *singing in the distance* Hit me baby one more time!
Everyone: *shudders*
Air Razor: Hey, why don't you guys come over tonight? We're having a Christmas party!
Optimus: We are?
Air Razor: *punches him*
Optimus: Ooh! Suuure we are!
Air Razor: In fact, let's call all Predacons to the party!
Quickstrike: Sounds fair to me!
Rampage: Alright!
Optimus: But--
Air Razor: Shaddup ape-boy! I say we kill Optimus!
Everyone: Yay! *they kill Optimus*
Director: HEY! That's not in the script! You just killed--
Rampage: Shaddup! *Rampage kills Director*
Air Razor: Okay, let's go!
Tarantulas: But we, tehehe, still don't have a tree!
Rampage: *takes down a nice pine tree* That better?
Air Razor: Yeah, let's go get the other Preds and then we'll go back to our base!
Everyone: Alright!
*An hour later, at the Maximal base, our heroes are yet to arrive. Everybody else is drunk; Rattrap is playing cards with Dinobot, Cheetor and Black Arachnia are dancing on the computer consile on Joe Cocker's 'You can leave your hat on', Tigatron is bumping his head against the wall for no apparent reason, Depth Charge and Rhinox are playing Mortal Kombat, and Silverbolt is long gone*
Rattrap: Do you *glares evilly around* have any fours?
Dinobot: Nah, go fish.
Rattrap: Slagit, ya win again!
Dinobot: *hickup* Yay!
Cheetor: Yeah, baby! *hickup* You can leave your hat on!
Black Arachnia: *puzzled* I don't *hickup* have a *hickup* hat! *hickup hickup*
Cheetor: Who cares, baby... *they kiss*
Tigatron: Bouncey... ow... bouncey... ow... bouncey... ow...
Rhinox: Take this! Whooo-yah! Ha-haaa! I win!
Depth Charge: NO FAIR! I WANT A REMATCH!
Silverbolt: zzz... *drool*
*Suddenly the heavy door... um, door thingy opens, and Air Razor and the Preds enter, everyone cheering and laughing*
Dinobot: *looks up from his cards* Brother!!!
TM2 Dinobot: Brother!!! *they hug*
Megatron: The Ark, yesss... This is what--
Rampage: *growls* Don't you dare. I love Air Razor.
Megatron: WHAT? But Air Razor is dea--OW! *Rampage kills Megatron*
Rampage: *to Air Razor* Whadya say, do we tell them?
Air Razor: *smiles* Okay...
Rampage: Listen up everybody, we have a very important announcement to make!
*Everyone stops whatever they've been doing to glare at him; this gives Depth Charge an opportunity to finish off Rhinox's fighter, Rattrap to glare into Dinobot's cards, and Silverbolt to drool some more. Only Tigatron is still bumping his head against the wall*
Rampage: Air Razor and I... we're engaged, and we're going to get married!
*Everyone draws a blank*
Air Razor: Yay!
*Blank stares*
Air Razor: O... kay... Guys?
Rattrap: *gulp* Look behind you...
*Both Rampage and Air Razor turn around and find Optimus behind them, glowing all over*
Rampage: But-but-you're-supposed-to-be-
Optimus: I was, but thanks to an idiot who just cloned me, I'm here to have my--
Black Arachnia: Revenge?
Optimus: Nope, justice.
Depth Charge: Hey! That was MY line!
*Everyone ignores him*
Cheetor: Who would be such an idiot as if to clone him?
Rhinox: *grins evilly as he blows Depth Charge's fighter's shead off with an uppercut* I am!
Rampage: But where did you get a--ACK! MY SPARK!
Depth Charge: Muahahaha! *laughs evilly*
Optimus: And now... I will kill you all. Muahahahahaha!!!
In the end, Optimus killed everyone, except for Megatron and Skorpinok, who were already dead. Optimus decorated the Christmas tree and set up everyone's socks around the lava pit. When Santa came to deliver the gifts, he accidentally tripped and fell into the lava. Trying to rescue him, Optimus also fell into the lava, so the only one left to be Santa in the end was Britney Spears, who was accidentally teleported back to the Ark. That's all. Kids, don't believe in Santa.