Celebrity Deathmatch

by Odeena Sabnach

Who hasn’t heard of MTV’s famous show ‘Celebrity Deathmatch?’

*A few people in the cheap seats wave their hands*

Oh… okay. This is for those of you who heard of it. It is a deathmatch, only it is a bit… different. Team deathmatch, to be more precise. As in, Microsoft, Windows, 98 vs. Serena, Thaliana, me and Tarantulas. Honestly, Microsoft seems to have the upper hand for the moment. But remember: we have a nuclear arsenal! Which can conveniently have its programming modified, so it would target the Microsoft HQ. Heheheheheee…

"Stupid computer!"

I started up from the short nap I had decided to allow myself, and looked around. Our quarters were pretty much empty. Serena was asleep on her bed, Tarantulas was hanging from a web in one of the corners (how in the Pit did HE get here anyway?), and Thaliana was in front of her computer. From the look on her face, I could tell she was in a bad mood.

"’Smatter?" I mumbled in a sleepy tone. She turned around in surprise.

"Same old. This stupid computer reset again, and I lost a megacycle of hard work."

"Again? I thought you had it figured."

"Well I thought so, too." She sighed. "That’s what I get for using Earth software…"

"Huh?"

"I use… um, something called Windows ’98." She made a face at my puzzled expression. "You know, Bill Gates…? USA…?" I guess I didn’t look too smart at the moment. "What software do youuse?"

"I use Sm!le. It’s much better than Windows. I designed it myself."

"Uh… huh. Anyway--" her voice was abruptly cut off by a screechy sound, and the computer screen went blank.

"See? Here it goes again!" She slammed her fist down the keyboard. "I hate that thing!"

I glared at the screen curiously. It showed a picture of what appeared to be a flying window on a cloudy background. I had seen it before a couple of times, but I had no idea how this software worked.

"Weird logo", I muttered. Thaliana shrugged.

A prompter appeared: ‘Type in password.’

*******, Thaliana typed. The next instant, the background image changed into a group photo taken at Megatron’s surprise birthday party. We all looked kinda silly, but then again, most of us were drunk at the time.

"You know what? I bet I can guess your password."

"Really?" She giggled. "Let’s hear it!"

"Rampage."

"Nice try, kid, but… no." She did blush, though. Everyone knew she had a crush on Rampage. But she wouldn’t accept that for the world.

"Okay then… Dinobot?"

She never said anything about liking Dinobot, but hey, whatever works.

"No."

"Cheetor?"

"No."

"Inferno?"

"No."

"I give up."

"Rattrap."

"What? But I thought you hate the guy!"

"I do! That’s why nobody’s gonna guess it. But now that you know it, I have to change it."

"Oh. Well that’s--"

SCREECH!

The screen went blank again, and this time it took a while for the weird logo to reappear.

"And here it goes again…" Thaliana buried her face in her hands. "What am I gonna do with this thing?"

"Hmm… I know precisely slagabout this… um, ‘Windows’ thingie. I recall now that the other guys seemed to know how it works, but--" I motioned vaguely towards the ceiling "--they’re there, and we’re here."

"We could wake Tarantulas. He knows computers and stuff."

"Brilliant idea, but there’s a little itty-bitty problem. You know how he hates it when someone disturbs him after he ate."

"He… ate?"

I didn’t want to know.

SCREECH!

Thaliana sighed resignedly. "Oookay. You try it. But be careful."

"Uh-huh."

I walked over to Tarantulas’ web and nudged him.

"Tarantulas…?"

There was no sign he heard anything. I tried again.

"Um… Tarry? Can you hear me?"

"Mhm… go away."

Well, at least I got his attention.

"We really need your help!"

"Lemme alone."

"C’mon, pretty please wake up?"

Snarl. Oh great, now I got him mad. This was gonna take forever, unless--

Unless.

I grinned. "Tarantulas, you’re in for a HUGE surprise." I walked over to my stereo and carefully picked up the Papa Roach Best Hits CD. "Thaliana, cover your ears."

Thaliana immediately caught onto my idea and complied. I set the volume to the highest level and hit ‘PLAY’. There were a few nanoclicks of silence, and then-

‘Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort…"

-the all-too-familiar ‘Last Resort’ began to play.

The effect was incredible. Tarantulas jerked up, causing his web to snap, and rolled on the floor helplessly. As for Serena, she started up as well, fell out of bet and crawled underneath it, covering her ears with the pillow all the time. The look on both their faces was priceless.

"Turn it off!" Tarantulas screamed. "For Primus’ sake, TURN IT OFF!!!"

I giggled and reached for the ‘PAUSE’ button. Thaliana was laughing out laud.

"WHAT THE SLAG WAS THAT FOR?!"

"Well, I didtry to wake you up nicely, but-"

I paused for a second, unable to hold back my giggles. He still looked shocked.

"Alright then, I’ll just go back to sleep." He crawled back up his web--and I hit the ‘PAUSE’ button again. ‘Last Resort’ went on.

"Hey!" He threw me an ‘I-hate-you’ glare as I turned down the volume. "Okay, I got the point. I’m awake!"

"Grr! I HATE YOU!"

That was Serena, screaming out at the highest volume. After that, she climbed back on her bed and hid her face under the covers.

"We need your help, Tarantulas" Thaliana cut in before I could say anything. "Now."

"Oh. Well that’s a weird way of demanding it." Tarantulas seemed to cool down. "What’s wrong?"

"um-"

SCREECH!

"-that."

"I see, tehahe."

Tarantulas sat down at the computer with a sigh. He waited patiently for Windows to load up, and then opened some diagnosis software. We watched him expectantly.

"Mm-hmm", he finally mumbled. "I’m afraid it’s bad-"

SCREECH!

"-news, Thaliana. You got a virus."

"Well. That’s just prime, isn’t it. What do we do?"

"There’s only one thing to do. You have to re-install the primary operating system. Do you have the original CD?"

"Um… nope, but I think Cheetor has it."

"Better go get it."

"Um… Dua, why don’t you go get it, hmm?"

"Why me?"

:C’mon, pretty please?"

"…Oookay."

All the way to Cheetor’s quarters, I heard a weird tune echoing through the halls. It took me a while to recognize it. Backstreet Boys. Larger than life.

I knocked at his door, not hoping that he would hear it, but slagit, it was worth a try. Much to my surprise, the door opened almost instantly, and Terrosaur appeared.

"We are NOT going to--" he saw me "--oh hi." I could have sworn he blushed a little. Eh well, maybe the rumors weretrue.

"Hi." I had to yell to be heard over the music. "Is Cheetor around?"

Instead of an answer, he turned his face to the room and screamed, "Cheetor!"

"Yeah?"

I could barely hear the other ‘bot’s voice.

"Get over here!!"

A few moments after, Cheetor rushed to the door. "Hi."

"You wouldn’t happen to have a Windows ’98 CD around now, would you?"

He thought for a second. "Um… yeah, I guess I do. C’mon in."

I followed him inside. When Cheetor and Terrosaur had to share the same quarters, everybody thought it to be a VERY bad idea. Then again, everybody was wrong. They made up the perfect roomies… or should I say, doomies, since they were terrorizing everyone with their loud music. And their quarters didn’t even have soundproof.

"I think I have it inside here, somewhere…" Cheetor opened a small closet, and an avalanche of stuff poured out. "Slag."

"So…"

I turned to Terrosaur. "Yeah?"

"What do you need the CD for?"

I sighed. "Our computer broke down yet again."

He giggled. "That’s the fifth time this week, ain’t it?"

"Yeah. Tarantulas says we have to… um, re-install the operating system or something. So that’s why I need the CD."

"Um… Dua?"

"What?"

"I just remembered I gave the CD to Rattrap a few days ago. Sorry."

"Rattrap?"

Slag. One thing I was not in the mood for was an encounter with Rattrap. "Thanks anyway."

"Good luck", I heard Terrosaur say, then the door slam-shut behind me. I waited a few seconds for the ringing in my ears to go away. Sheesh, I was wondering how come they were not deaf yet. Eh, well, I had bigger concerns right now.

Rattrap’s quarters were way over to the other side of the base. He was one of the few privileged ‘bots who didn’t have to share their quarters with anyone else, so technically this should have been easy.

Should have been. Riiight.

I knocked at the door. The same instant, a red light went on, and Rattrap’s voice came from a small speaker.

"Dis is Rattrap. I can’t answer ya right now, because I’m takin’ a well-deserved snooze. Have a nice day."

A door with an answering machine. How cute. But I needed the CD, so I knocked again. Harder, this time.

After what seemed to be an eternity, the door opened, and a very not-in-a-good-mood Rattrap came out.

"What are ya, deaf or somethin’?! I was sleepin’, for--oh, it’s ya. Whaddya want?"

"The Windows 98 CD."

"Don’t have it."

"Whe-"

"I gave it to Dino-Butt dis mornin’".

"Dinobot who? I know lots of Dinobots."

"Dinobot classic. Now go away."

He slammed the door before I could say anything else.

The two Dinobots shared a quarters near the control room. So here we go again.

Just as I trailed down the hall again, I ran into TM2 Dinobot. This time, I blushed. Heavy.

"Hi! Have you seen Dinobot?" Oops. "I mean, the original Dinobot."

He made a face. "The battle simulator", he hissed, and he left before I could say anything else.

"Thanks", I mumbled, numbly aware that he couldn’t hear me.

Off to the simulator then…

…I stood in front of the sim door, undecided. Simply walking in during a simulated battle, especially with Dinobot practicing inside, was the dictionary definition of suicide.

Unless…

A slight grin played across my face as I dialed in the emergency shutdown code. I could clearly hear Dinobot cursing inside, then the door opened and I came face to face with a VERY angry-looking ‘bot.

"You", he hissed.

If one thing was for sure, the two Dinobots weren’t exactly crazy about me.

"You wouldn’t happen to have a Windows 98 CD around, would you?"

"I gave it to Rhinox this morning. Now get out of my way."

He practically shoved me out of his way, and then he was gone. I shrugged. Sure, go find Rhinox… yeesh.

I found Rhinox about twenty cycles later, working on Sentinel, as usual. Our defense grid was bound to hold even in case of a nuclear attack now.

"Rhinox-"

He mumbled something that resembled to a muffled "ssh!". Great.

"The Win-" I tried again. This time, he gave me an absent nod and pointed to a table behind him. I rushed to it and--thanks Primus!!--I finally found the accursed Windows 98 CD.

"Thanks", I said, then rushed out. Behind me, he nodded absently again and went on working.

I was just thinking that someone up there loves me, when I literary ran into Serena. The impact threw her on her back, and I fell over her.

"OUCH! Hey, what the-"

"Serena?! What are youdoing here?"

She grinned. "Sunbathing. Now, do you mind GETTING THE SLAG OFF MY FOOT?"

"Oh. Sorry."

I rolled over and cautiously got up. Nothing was broken. Good. I helped Serena up.

"Okay, now do you mind answering my question?"

"What question?"

I gave her a LOOK. "The why-are-you-here question?"

"Oh, that. I thought it was obvious."

"Well it isn’t."

"I was looking for you."

"Uh-huh."

"Do you have the CD?"

"Yep."

"Good. Let’s head back to our quarters. That stupid thing broke down for good, and Tarantulas needs to restore the operating system before any permanent data loss."

"Um… okay."

"Took you long enough."

Thaliana welcomed us in her natural attitude, her hands on her hips.

"Well getting that CD wasn’t exactly easy money."

"Whaddya mean?"

"Cheetor gave it to Rattrap, Rattrap gave it to Dinobot, Dinobot gave it to Rhinox, TM2 Dinobot hates me, Dinobot classic is going to kill me, and overall, I think I’m having a terrible day."

"Ouch, sounds serious. Whaddya do to Dinobot?"

"Ahem." Tarantulas cleared his throat. "We have work to do."

"Right."

He inserted the CD into a drive. We all watched the screen anxiously, until, finally, it turned blue. It spelled ‘Welcome to Microsoft Windows 98 Setup’.

"Yes!" Thaliana and I exchanged a high-five, as Tarantulas made his way through endless dialog boxes. Finally, she sighed in relief.

"Got it." A blue prompter appeared on the screen, and an above box informed us: ‘Estimated time left--15-30 minutes.’

"Should be a fast one", Thaliana muttered.

We watched the blue progress bar as time passed. One cycle… 0%. Two cycles… still 0%. Three cycles… this was starting to get annoying… 1%.

"This is going to take a while".

Thaliana sighed in agreement. I rubbed my temples. Why me?

10%...

"A hundred bottles of bear on the wall, a hundred bottles of bear…"

I threw Serena an annoyed look.

35%...

"Forty-nine bottles of bear on the wall, forty-nine bottles of bear…"

Ouch. Head hurts. Ouch ouch ouch.

63%...

"If one of them all would happen to fall, fifteen bottles of bear on the wall…"

"GrrRRRrrr..."

89%

"Zzzz…"

100%

I rubbed my eyes and stared at the screen. 100%?! Well then, time to get the gang up.

"Finally".

Tarantulas shut down the computer and stretched his arms. "Time now for a nice nap", he sighed, and the he left.

"I say we do the same", Serena proposed.

"For once, you get no arguments from me."

"Me neither."

Thaliana and I exchanged a glance.

"Well, g’night everyone…"

I laid down on my bed and closed my eyes. Sleep at last…

"Lemme tell you the story of the call that changed my destiny…"

No such luck. Nooo.

"Cheetor!!" Serena yelled. Thaliana just buried her face in her pillow.

It was going to be a LOOOONG night…

I hated the world.