BLEACH: CHARACTER INTERVIEWS

by Odeena Sabnach

ZARAKI KENPACHI

Aki: Next in our series of famous characters interviews, we have Zaraki Kenpachi, captain of the eleventh division and said to be the bloodiest captain of the Gotei 13.
Zaraki: *glares at the camera in his typical 'I'll-kill-you' manner*
Random woman in the audience: *faints*

Aki: ...right. *sweatdrop* So, first question. How does it feel to be a homicidal maniac?
Zaraki: ...eh?
Aki: I said, how does it feel to--
Zaraki: I heard that, but what the heck does homo-- wait, are ya' calling me a homo-that?
Aki: *quickly* Not at all! I said a 'homicidal maniac'... you know, like Jack the Ripper, or Charles Manson, or... *notices that Zaraki looks more confused with each new name* ...like a killer on the loose or something.
Zaraki: *beams* Ooh, that! *smirks* It feels good... Ya' should try it, too. I can give ya' some practical training, if ya' want.
Aki: ...not in this lifetime, thankyou. *aside* --although there /are/ a few people that I would like to torture to death right now for making me do this...

Aki: *aloud* All right, moving on. I've noticed that your Soul Slayer (*zanpaku-to, the sword of a Death God / Shinigami) looks a little-- let's say, different from those of your fellow Shinigami. One must wonder, is that a real Soul Slayer, or is it just a regular katana?
Zaraki: How the heck should I know?
Aki: *cough* Well, you're a Shinigami, you *should* know.
Zaraki: So long as I can kill with it, there's not really much of a difference between this or that katana. But since I've carried this thing with me for bloody ages, I guess it's the real deal, 'though I've never heard it talk or anything. I heard that's supposed to happen with shinigami and their Soul Slayers. *pauses* Come to think of it, it'd be freaky to hear my katana talk...

Aki: *smirks* I'll say. Next question. Have you ever fallen for one of your fellow Shinigami? I'm talking about the ladies, of course.
Zaraki: Fall -- for -- okay, I don't get it. Whaddya mean, like trip and crash before 'em?
Aki: No, like... you know.
Zaraki: *blankly* No, I don't know.
Aki: Like falling in love.
Zaraki: *frowns* Love? I ain't even gonna bother to try to answer that.
Aki: Noted. Still, there seems to be an unusually strong bond between you and Yachiru-chan. Some of the fans have been wondering if the bond goes deeper than that - if she is, like, your long-lost daughter or something.
Zaraki: *death glare*
Aki: ...okay... *takes a deep breath* In order to avoid any possible threatening situations to the host - that means me, by the way - we will now resort to questions from the audience. So, does anyone have a question?
Audience: *silence*
Aki: *glares* If I don't see a hand up in the next five seconds, something very, *very* bad will happen to everyone.
Random audience member: What could be worse than Zaraki going on the rampage?
Aki: Well-- *random Britney Spears song starts playing form the speakers* -- that.
Audience: Ahh! Nooo! The horror!!
Aki: *makes a gesture and the music stops* As I was saying -- does anyone have a question? *nearly all members of the audience raise their hands* --thank you. All righty -- you.

Random dude 01: Why do you kill?
Zaraki: *flatly* Because I want to.
Random dude 01: But don't you know that it's wrong to kill?
Zaraki: I don't care.
Random dude 01: You'll go to hell if you kill.
Zaraki: I don't care.
Random dude 01: Don't you care that you'll spend ten million lives in eternal suffering?
Aki: Now now, you know that when a shinigami dies, their soul will most likely re-incarnate in the real world. So technically there's no way that they could go to hell. Besides, it's really difficult to kill a Shinigami, and from what I've heard it's technically impossible to even lay a scratch on this guy.
Random dude 01: But--
Aki: I think you'd better stop this here, before this guy gets really pissed off and brings this whole place to pieces.
Random dude 01: ...
Aki: ...That's better.
Zaraki: ...what was that?
Aki: *ignores him* All right, next question.

Random dude 02: What's the scariest place that you've ever been to?
Zaraki: Scary? I don't know the meaning of that word!
Random dude 02: So you've never been to a scary place in your life? Like a haunted forest, an abandoned mansion or something like that?
Aki: *aside* I think this guy's seen way too many horror movies...
Zaraki: Wait... come to think of it, there *is* this one palce that would probably scare even me... although I've never been to it. But from what I've heard, it's the one place that no shinigami in their right mind would ever dare to go to...
Random dude 02: Yes, yes?
Zaraki: One place that turns your mind upside-down and makes you forget everything about who you are, what you want and why you live. And that place is--
Random dude 02: Yes?
Zaraki: --Disneyland! *shudders*
Audience: *giant sweatdrop*
Aki: *blankly* ...Disneyland, you say? *slaps forehead* I couldn't see that coming even from you... Okay, next.

Random dude 03: I've heard that you wear that eyepatch because of a congenital malformity that you got passed on from your gran-grand-grandfather. Is that true?
Zaraki: Contegial... wha'? And what about my grand-mother?
Aki: *completely off-topic* That was your grand-grand-grand mother.
Zaraki: Oh.
Aki: Anyway, he just wanted to know about the patch.
Zaraki: Ahh, that. Well, I wear the patch because otherwise I'd be giving away such a strong spiritual energy that everything around me would get totally trashed. So this patch is like a little monster that feeds off spiritual energy.
Random dude 03: ...oh, I see. *aside* I think the other explanation made more sense though.
Aki: *to herself* Me too... Next!

Random dude 04: Do you have a secret identity?
Aki: *slaps forehead again* What kind of question is *that*?
Zaraki: *blank stare*
Random dude 04: You know, every superhero has a secret identity. Like Superman being Clark Kent.
Aki: Who the hell told you that this guy is a superhero? Sure, he's a homicidal maniac and all that, but no-one said that he's a superhero for crying out loud! Next!!

Random dude 05: How do you feel about people calling you Tinkerbell?
Zaraki: *eyebrow twitch* Tinkerbell?
Random dude 05: Yeah... because of the bells.
Zaraki: *double eyebrow twitch* Tinkerbell?!
Random dude 05: Yeah-- *gets zapped by a lightning bolt*
Aki: That's what happens when you ask stupid questions that can make this guy go berserk. Better to incinerate you than to bring down this this whole place. Random dude 05: ...ow...
Aki: Next!

Ichigo: *waves from somewhere in the audience* Yeah, I've got a question... Are you still trying to kill me?
Zaraki: *beams* Ichigo!
Ichigo: Yeah, it's me. So?
Zaraki: *grins* Say, you're feeling right, right?
Ichigo: *arches an eyebrow* Yeah, why?
Zaraki: You don't have any injure, disease or anything of the sort?
Ichigo: No--
Zaraki: Great! This means that I can fight without holding back!
IchigO: Oh... crap.
Zaraki: Here we go!! *goes on a slashing rampage*
Aki: *blank face as random audience members flee and pieces of the ceiling come crashing down* Well folks, that was it for tonight. Thanks for watching and-- *dodges a piece of the ceiling that crashes down* -- be sure not to miss our next airing, which will take place whenever we will be able to get a new studio. Thank you-- *dodges another piece of the ceiling* -- and good night!